There's something that has recently been bothering me. Science is a definite fact of life; we use it to explain what was once unexplainable, and we have yet much more to discover, which is why I want to be a scientist in the future. Uncovering mysteries, explaining phenomenons, and using this knowledge in order to make our lives better is something I'd love to do once I'm a scientist.

Well, I thought that was the main reason I've been orientating myself towards this career. Which is true...

But....

There's also something else.
The line between science and magic is very thin.

After all, how many times have common phenomenons been mistaken for magic? Electricity, by example - a flash of thunder in the past might have been an angry God's wrath. Now it's simply explainable through a charge of protons and neutrons... not quite sure, weather's not my field.

And what about gravity? When an object made of iron could simply fly? Nope, that's electromagnetism. Electric fields repulsing each other - to the uneducated, that would be magic. A flying object! But to us who have known about electromagnetism for a while, we know it's a common thing and not magic, a law of physics amongst others.

And this is where I stand: The line between science and magic is only defined by what we can and cannot explain. All that has a reason, that can be calculated and proven by mathematics or facts, is science, and what we simply do not understand is magic - until we find a rule to it.

This thin line, I am in the middle of it. I'm wondering if it's possible for a scientist to believe in magic. Isn't it contradictory? To want to feel the magic of the world, find out if it's possible for humans to have powers, do rituals, things that are unexplained, but at the same time, to want to find rules to this world... and uncover mysteries, while keeping the mystery that is magic, spirituality.

After all I believe in past lives, reincarnation, and spirits. But I'm also a huge fan of quantum physics and astronomy. Of the explainable - and the unexplainable.

Do I have to choose? Is it morally right to believe in both science and magic, when they are polar opposites - yet with a line so thin between them?

Or am I just deluding myself? Magic... if it exists... scientists aren't supposed to believe in the very thing that would put them out of a job.

I don't know what to think anymore.

So, I'm practically engaged to a guy who's a FtM tranny just like me, who used to be my friend since 4 months and whom I never thought I'd end up with.

Want the long story?

Not tonight, it'd take hours to write about.

I haven't been updating becase I've been busy as hell and I know nobody reads my journal anymore, but I'm now officialy Viktor on every single of my important papers - no more fooling around with names, and I'm gonna start school unnoticed for once!

Oh yeah, and for the engagement thing, I'm serious. The ring's a one dollar store ring, but still, my boyfriend can't quite afford diamonds.

He's 16.

God I feel like a pedo. Yet he's more of a man than I am. Freaky. But I like it.

I really have no idea how all of this crazy shit happened, but I'm bloody glad it did.

I dreamed that you came back to Montreal.

I was with a friend and I didn't recognize you at first, but I kept staring at you and you knew it. You didn't recognize me either - but eventually we did, and just jumped in each other's arms.

I hate waking up. Unlike what Dr. Seuss says, reality is never better than my dreams.

Oh how I hate you humans.

You hurt each other like it was a game and don't even realize how hurtful the things you said were.
How insensitive can you be!

Now I'll wallow for another 6 months just like I did with Vincent...

But on a lesser scale, since I learned to block out most emotions.

Still, I can not forget the good memories nor the sweet taste of lips, and the warm embrace of your arms.
 

I had a dream last night. The first in weeks, too.

It wasn't anything special, though. Mostly just weird.

And I don't know why, but I always dream that I'm in some place, and somehow I end up in another just by going through a door.

---

My mother was receiving guests, an Indian family with two kids, a baby and a little boy, about 3 years old.

She was serving them tea and talking, and I was just watching them quietly in my corner. Suddenly I see the husband getting a cigarette out, in front of the boy who stared up curiously. He then offered one to his wife... who was holding her baby in her arms, and lighting the cigarette at the same time! When I saw this, I stood up and got very angry. I yelled at them that they were endangering their kids' life with their ridiculous behavior, one, by lighting a cigarette while holding a baby, and two, by smoking in front of small children. After I yelled at them, I was so angry I stormed out the back door and went to sit on the stairs before I killed someone - but as I said earlier, I ended up in my old apartment, not the one I'm in. So I was sitting near my neighbor's front yard, where I used to be friend with the family that lived there. I was quietly watching the neighborhood and I heard the door open. I looked up, it was my mother. I don't remember what happened next, just that I offered the Indian family something, and the dream ended.

Must be my pent-up frustration of bus line smokers getting to me.
 

Here's the list of all the things that are on my purchase plans when I receive my paycheck.

1. Cosplay items (Ebay is my friend)

2. Normal clothes for everyday wear (Ebay may help again)

3. SAQ (Fuck yes, tequila and sake and porto! Maybe some rhum too... and occasional beers...)

4. Jewelry ( I love medieval jewelry. I'm always wearing a necklace or a ring, else I feel naked.)

5. Outings (My boyfriend paid so much food for me when he had his money, it's only fair I do the same.)

6. New haircut (I'm thinking something layered, that will remain long but will still be styleable if I feel like it. Ideas, anyone? Pictures?)

7. Electronics (Hi tech gadgets I've always wanted - if I haven't blown all my money by then. We'll see.)

8. Shoes (Mine are taking up water again, and wet socks are extremely uncomfortable to walk around in.)
 

A few days ago, I dreamed that my boyfriend said to me,

"Let's make love near the stopper rods". (Hope that's the right word?)

I told him about it, and he laughed. Then he said, when we have our room, we should put those plants all around the bed.

That'd be a funny idea. Heh.

I do wonder though, if what I dreamed will ever happen...

Like heaven.

And when I have these visions, I feel like I'm a Greek God. Like I became part of the mythology - or that I was part of it before, and the visions are back to remind me of it, or that I'll be part of it in the future... or...
What could it be? I've always wanted to visit Greece, and maybe even live there. I'm fascinated by their mythology and ancient culture. I cannot explain why, nor why I have these visions.

But yesterday, when I stared at the sky, I saw myself flying aboard a machine - like an old war plane from the early 20th century - and the sun shone through me, revealing Zeus above.
 

It was strange....
 

This way I'd be able to get a job and I wouldn't be so scared of calling people, even my own goddamn friends.

I can't even call my friends. Even if I tell them I'm going to.

Why? 

Must be my eternal fear of rejection, my fear that I'm bothering them somehow, or that they don't really want to hear my voice or talk to me at all.

I wonder if it'll ever go away or if I'm going to be stuck with that phobia forever.
Because I have so much to do right now, but I can't, because it involves phones and people hunting.

God.

Kill me already, this is ridiculous.
 

Bloody hell, I'm turning into Casanova.

A seducer.

Except that I'm not doing anything to get people - they come to me.

What the hell?!

In the past few weeks, how many people have been attracted/attempted things with me?

This is awkward.

Especially since I can't reject anyone.

Oh, this will be interesting.

Ohoh.

Yesterday was really awesome.

I went to the medieval expo that's supposed to last all weekend.

It wasn't very big, but there was so much stuff, and it was amazing!

So many kiosks with people dressed in medieval clothes, costumes, armors, some with weapons...

And I took a bunch of business cards for when I have money.

My friend also bought me a ring since I lost the last one.
It's shaped like Quebec's emblematic flower and has a blue stone inside. Beautiful. Only 5 dollars!

I wanted to get a pair of arm bracers, but unfortunately I had no budget. Sucks. And so many items were talking to us, begging us to buy them.. auuugh.

Everything was beautiful. And there were people dressed as characters from a book, and a medieval band even played at the expo. Took their card as well. I'd buy their album.
 

Overall it was great - only thing that made me sad is being poor as hell. I'd have bought so much jewelry... and another cape... arm bracers... this pouch.... blah.
 

Everything has been fixed.

Well, with one person anyway.
I'm glad. I was so scared to lose what I had.
 

My chocolate tastes terribly like bananas.

Must be because it's been laying around with a ripe banana for days.
It tastes freaking weird.
 

And I found a few great ones.

Q: Divide 14 sugar cubes into 3 cups of coffee so that each
cup has an odd number of sugar cubes.
A: 1,1,12
Riposte: 12 isn't odd!
A: It's an odd number of cubes to put in a cup of coffee (groan) 

Uh can't find the rest.

I wanted to wait a little before talking about it, just to make sure it was true, but now I know it is.

I have a boyfriend.

And it's actually not long distance, it's very real. He's in Montreal, not in some far away corner of the world.

Oh god, it's been so long since I've been with anyone that it feels so weird.

How can a single day

Change so many things

All those thoughts put away

Because of one evening

Is it a small interlude

To an even bigger picture

Or a change of attitude

Simply the Universe's lure?

Something quick and unexpected;

That seems to have no meaning,

Yet I wake up and I'm affected

Is this a new way of living?

Probabilities are the main event

Making the improbable happen

This is causing such torment,

A future that's so misshapen!

I guess I must sit back and wait,

Accept the present, live within it;

Perhaps the meaning of soul mate
 

Has bended itself bit by bit.

Who are you? Was I supposed to meet you?

Affection knows no rules.

You can be my exception. I will let it happen... because you gave me a chance at feeling human without being aware of it.

In a single evening.
 

.

See, I proved this point above.

...
Not funny. Besides, it's period, not point. Ugh. Way to ruin a joke.

But, I do need a haircut. It's annoying. I want my hair grow, but not in the front. I can't see anything anymore!

I need someone with experience as haircutting to do it for meeee~!

I've experienced a sudden deafness in my left ear that lasted about 10 minutes.

But it felt like an hour.

I was so scared, I panicked and I almost cried - and then, I just pressed both of my ears, on and off, until it finally stopped.
But even now I still feel a leftover fullness in my ear, and I'm bloody scared.
I don't think I'll be listening to music with earplugs for a long time after this.

It can't be that, though - I never put my music loud, never. And the only times I listen to really loud stuff is when clubbing on Fridays.

I'm scared. I don't want to go deaf, even if it's just one ear... those were the worst 10 minutes ever.

And it made me realize, I may be unlucky in some aspects, but I'm freaking lucky to be healthy.

I can see(with glasses), I can hear ( I hope), I can smell, eat, walk, talk, write...

The rest really is just details.

I'm supposed to see a doctor on Thursday - next week, not this one.

Hopefully he'll fix my ear. Seriously, I'm so scared to do even the slightest thing to my ear because it could go full and deaf again.

Godamnit.